


All in

by Manwameldiel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Consent, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Saphael, queerplatonic, queerplatonic saphael
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 02:50:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16008737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manwameldiel/pseuds/Manwameldiel
Summary: Raphael and Simon have been together for one month now, and it's going great. Except for one thing: Raphael's feelings for Simon aren't romantic, and he has no idea how to tell him.(This will be an ongoing fic, hopefully, about them figuring out their relationship and what they like and ways to compromise and other things)





	All in

Raphael entered Hotel DuMort one night after a rather tiresome meeting. However, as he was walking inside, he was handed a note with an address where he apparently had some urgent business to attend to. Raphael sighed as he took the note but froze when he looked at it. The address on the note was his. Not the hotel, but his apartment. And the handwriting was Simon’s. That was when he remembered. It was their one month anniversary. Or at least he thought it was their one month anniversary.

They had technically never labelled their relationship as anything but Raphael was sure Simon had started viewing it as romantic one after their first kiss. However, Raphael wasn’t sure if he saw it as a romantic relationship. He didn’t even know if he wanted it to be a romantic relationship. He knew he should have spoken to Simon about it way sooner, but with the war looming over, everyone was way too busy and the two of them barely got a moment to themselves and during those rare moments both of them just needed to relax, not be affected by the stress around them. And just the thought of talking to Simon about their relationship was stressful enough. Especially considering that the two of them most likely were in a romantic relationship which Raphael wasn’t fully sure about and also considering how Raphael’s feelings for Simon were in no way romantic whatsoever. How could he explain to Simon the way he felt for him when he wasn’t even sure of how he felt himself?

Raphael’s mind didn’t stop the whole way over to his apartment. Had Simon prepared something romantic? Had he transformed the whole place for the night? Was he expecting something special from Raphael? Raphael didn’t have anything for him. He had never understood people who celebrated their anniversary after just one month. Celebrating after one year seemed more understandable to him.

As he stood in front of his door, he tried to keep calm, but couldn’t control the nervousness that got worse with every second. Finally, he opened the door and the sight in front of him almost had him throwing up. The lights were on low. Candles spread around, some scented, and not the same scent from them all. One end of his dining table had a vase with roses, a couple of candles and two expensive looking wine glasses filled almost to the rim with blood. Raphael was tempted to leave his apartment and run away.

It was not that he didn’t appreciate the sentiment, he did. Simon had obviously spent time and money on this, and Raphael was grateful for him putting in effort for something special. It was just that this wasn’t exactly Raphael’s cup of tea. He had never liked romantic settings like these. Candles were nice and roses as well, but this was too much for him.

Raphael had almost turned around and walked out the door but he stopped himself. No, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave Simon here alone. That would only make things worse. He needed to talk to him, even if he wasn’t sure what to say. He closed the door, still inside and called: “Simon?”

From the bathroom, it seemed, came the sound of something heavy falling in the sink and then Simon quietly cursing. Raphael smiled at the sound of Simon’s clumsiness.  
When the two had first met, Raphael had found Simon’s clumsiness almost insufferable. It still was insufferable, but in an endearing way.

Raphael’s smile quickly faded when he saw Simon walking towards him wearing a fancy suit and holding, even more, flowers. “Happy anniversary” Simon smiled at him and handed him the flowers. “Thanks. I forgot” Raphael admitted awkwardly and took the flowers. “It’s okay. I didn’t exactly remember either until yesterday. Or yesternight. Can you say yesternight? Is that an actual word, I’m not sure” Simon rambled. “Last night works fine if anything else is too complicated” Raphael said. “Okay, yeah. I remembered just last night then” Simon said and shrugged “I tried to make this as romantic as possible, I hope it’s enough” “It’s more than enough, Simon. Really.” Raphael assured him quickly. He didn’t even want to think about what Simon would have done to make this more romantic than it was. Rent swans somehow, probably. Or just spread rose petals all over the place. If he had actually done that, Raphael may have just thrown up.

“Shall we?” Simon asked after a moment of silence and offered Raphael his arm. Already feeling uncomfortable enough, Raphael did not take Simon’s arm, but walked towards the table still holding the flowers. He noticed Simon’s smile fade slightly as he walked towards the table also. Raphael felt really bad, but things were already too much for him as it was. He sat down, put the flowers on the table to his side and took a sip from his glass. Right as he did so, Simon raised his and held it up “To our anniversary?” he asked and Raphael let his glass cling against Simon’s. “To our anniversary” he said and took a big gulp out of his glass. “Long night?” Simon asked him. “Yeah” Raphael said and looked away from Simon and over his candle lit apartment. He couldn’t do this. He needed to tell him. Simon had done this all for him. Raphael knew he couldn’t keep lying to him, or at least keep the truth away from him. However, before he could say anything Simon took his hands in his and spoke.

“Raphael, look…” “Simon” Raphael said but Simon stopped him. “Please, let me finish” The look in his eyes shut Raphael up and he stayed silent while Simon spoke. “I know we haven’t been together for long and I know we haven’t really done anything like this before. We haven’t gone on a date or done anything super romantic. But, I wanted to do something special, for you” Simon said and looked down momentarily, Raphael still stayed silent, though he sensed what was coming. Well, dreaded was perhaps a better word. “I… I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you, and I know it’s soon but it’s just... with everything that’s going on, I don’t want anything to go unsaid between us. Because I love you” Simon said with a soft smile. “I’m in love with you and I want to know that with our relationship, even if we don’t always have much time to spend together, I’m all in” he finished and his smile grew. Raphael however, was far from smiling.

He stared at Simon, not sure how to begin speaking. He couldn’t. He couldn’t say what he needed to say, not after Simon had just poured out his heart like that. Told him he was in love with him. Simon was in love with him. Raphael had to tell him. He had to.

“Raphael?” Simon asked concerned after a while. Raphael moved his hands away from Simon’s and looked down. “Simon, I… we need to talk” he started and looked up. “But, I can’t do this here” he said as he stood up, took Simon’s hand and led him to the couch, where the two of them sat down together, facing each other. “Simon” Raphael started again, holding his hands similarly to how Simon had held his earlier. “I need to tell you something. I should have told you earlier. But, I wasn’t sure how to. If I’m being honest I still don’t know how to” he admitted and Simon kept looking at him worried. “I need you to not say anything while I try to explain. I know it’s probably confusing for you, it is for me as well, but you need to let me say everything I need to say. And after I’m done, you can ask as many questions as you have. Is that a deal?” he asked and Simon nodded and so Raphael began.

“So, we’ve been together for a month, I guess. We’ve never really talked about our relationship so I never fully knew what it exactly was. I never knew how exactly you view it. I know now, for sure, that we are together, romantically. You probably think it’s weird that I didn’t know that for sure, but you have to understand, or at least try to understand, that this is my first relationship like that. I’ve never been with anyone. I’ve never been interested in being with anyone. And the reason for that is that I don’t have these types of feelings for anyone. I never have and I never will” he paused and saw Simon looking at him, brows furrowed in confusion. He continued. “The way I feel for you is not the same way you feel for me. Do you understand?” he asked and Simon slowly nodded his head, then changed his mind and shook it. “Can I ask you something?” Simon asked softly “Of course” Raphael nodded “So, you’ve never been in love, you’ve never had a crush on anyone?” Simon asked and Raphael shook his head. “I never have, no” he confirmed “So, you’ve never been interested in a relationship until now?” Simon wondered and Raphael sighed. “I’m not sure I’m interested in a relationship now, Simon” he explained and Simon nodded before moving his hands from Raphael’s and sitting back, looking forward at nothing. “It’s not that I don’t care about you. I do, Simon. I really care about you. There are only a few people that I know that I will do anything for, that I would die for, you are one of them, Simon” Raphael said and laid his hand on Simon’s knee.

“But, if you’re not interested in me or interested in a relationship, then what are we?” Simon asked after a while, his voice sounded broken. “I don’t know, Simon” Raphael admitted. “Why haven’t you said anything before?” Simon asked, Raphael sensed he was getting angry. “I thought we were together, I thought you liked me. Why did you lie to me?” Simon asked and looked over him, tears in his eyes. “I never lied to you, Simon. I never said I like you romantically. I never said that this was what I wanted” “But, you did. Not out loud, but you did. Every time you kissed me, every time…” “I never kissed you, Simon” Raphael said, remembering “I let you kiss me”. Simon seemed to relax, but not by much. “What are we doing? What am I doing?” Simon thought out loud and stood up. Raphael watched him blow out the candles around the apartment. “Simon” he said and stood up, but the other vampire ignored him. “Simon” Raphael raised his voice and Simon turned around. “What are we? What have we been doing?” Simon asked and Raphael felt at loss for words. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about you, not exactly. I know that I care about you. I enjoy spending time with you. I like being with you alone, with no one else around. I love you, Simon. Just not the way you love me” He said, not knowing how to better explain it.

“I just don’t understand” Simon walked closer to him “So, if you love me…? Is it the same way you love others? Your family? Magnus?”. Raphael shook his head “No, it’s not like that” “How do you know? If it’s different, then that must mean…” “I don’t know what it is, Simon. But, I know it’s not romantic. Because I don’t want to be your boyfriend. And I don’t want you to be mine. But…” Talking was helping Raphael understand better how he felt. “I don’t know if there’s a word for it, but I want to be close with you. Similar to how we’ve been for the past month. There are just certain things I don’t like, things that you like, or might like I don’t know” “Why don’t you try to look it up?” Simon asked, all hurt and anger gone from his expression. “What?” Raphael got confused. “Well, why don’t you find out if there’s a word for it. Google it” Simon added. Raphael thought for a while. “I’ve never thought of doing that” he admitted. “Well, we can do it now. Or later if you want” Simon suggested. “Later seems fine” Raphael nodded his head. Simon nodded as well and sat down. After a while, Raphael sat down beside him.

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner” he said. “I wanted to, but there was never a good time, and I didn’t understand all this myself” he paused, but Simon didn’t say anything so he continued. “I know my feelings for you are different than the ones I have for everyone else. How I know it’s not romantic, I don’t know. I just know I don’t want certain things that come with that type of relationship” “Things we haven’t been able to do so far?” Simon looked over at him. “Yes, and some things we have done” Raphael admitted. “Such as?” Simon asked. “Kissing, mainly. I’m not sure I like it most of the time” “Oh, I’m sorry” Simon said and Raphael waved it off. “I never told you it before, it was my mistake. You didn’t know” the two sat in silence until Simon asked him “So, what are you uncomfortable with, in general when it comes to relationship stuff?” Raphael sighed as he thought about it. “Gestures such as these” he said and motioned over his whole apartment. “Well, the gesture is nice I suppose, but all the candles and flowers are just a bit too much for me” “Oh, that’s actually a relief. Because I got some help with this, probably from the wrong source but yeah, I wasn’t sure this was something you’d like…” “Who helped you?” Raphael asked. “Clary and then Izzy jumped in at some point as well. Jace tried to help but he’s not exactly good at these either. And Alec just rolled his eyes at them” “Wait, were all of them here?” Raphael wasn’t sure he wanted that many people he didn’t know at his apartment. It was kind of his private place. Sure, Simon being there was fine, but the others. “Oh, no. We planned this all at the Institute. Well, they planned and I just wrote down what they told me. I see now it was a bad idea” Simon fiddled with his fingers. Raphael couldn’t help but smile at the sight. “It wasn’t a good one, no” he agreed.

“So, you don’t like grand romantic gestures. I agree with that, they are not really that fun. And you don’t like kissing, okay. And don’t like the terms boyfriend. What else?” he asked, uncomfortably calm to Raphael. “I don’t know. I just like how things have been so far, and I don’t need them to change” he said and Simon nodded. “I guess what I want with you is something not quite romantic but it’s not exactly just platonic either. I don’t like kissing, I don’t like dates, I like holding hands though and being physically close” “Oh, so you like sex?” Simon asked. Raphael regretted his last words. “No, no I don’t. I meant… by physically close I meant sitting close together or lying close together. Holding you, I like that” “Oh, so you like to snuggle?” Simon asked, grinning. “I don’t like” Raphael started but then decided to just give in. “Yes, I do like to snuggle” he hesitated before the last word. Simon’s smile only grew. Raphael looked away for a second.

“So, are you okay with this?” he asked. Silence hung in the air between them for a while until Simon replied. “I think so. I’m still very confused by this but if you want a relationship with me, even if it is something different than what I want, it’s okay. The main thing is I want to be with you. And I want to help you figure it out what it is exactly you want, if you’ll let me”. Raphael felt unsure. “Are you really okay with this all? No kissing, no dates, no sex. It’s all fine with you?” Simon sat upright and fixed his jacket. “No dates I don’t mind. No sex is alright as well, I can take care of that myself” Raphael cringed at that, he did not need to know that. “Kissing is, well. It’s something I really like, but…” he stopped and Raphael got nervous. Of course. No kissing was a deal-breaker, he should have known. “Is there possibly an alternative?” Simon asked. “Alternative? To kissing?” Raphael asked confused. “Well, maybe alternative is the wrong word” Simon scratched the back of his neck as he thought. “Do you think you’d be okay with kissing, not in the lips?”

Raphael thought about it. “You mean like on the cheek or something?” “Yeah, or maybe on the forehead or both?” Simon asked, looking unsure. Raphael could remember some people he’d known kissing him on the cheek, it wasn’t so bad in memory.  
“We can try” he said. Simon looked at him surprised. “Really?” “Yeah. Why not?” Raphael asked and Simon leaned forward cautiously. He put one of hands on Raphael’s jaw and kissed the other cheek softly. He moved his head upwards and then kissed his forehead. Raphael’s eyes were closed. Feeling another person’s lips on his had never appealed to him but feeling them on his forehead and cheek was calming.

When Simon moved back he asked. “How was it?” with an unsure and worried expression. Raphael smiled. “It was pretty good” he said. “Really?” Simon asked, smiling. “So, it’s okay if I kiss you like that?” “Only if you ask permission first. Then yeah, you may” Raphael said and Simon nodded. “Okay” he said. Then he looked down at Raphael’s hand. “May I?” he asked and pointed at it. “What do you mean?” Raphael asked, but lifted his hand anyway. “May I kiss it?” Simon asked. Raphael must have been looking at him with a weird expression because Simon started laughing. “I’m sorry” he said. “I was just wondering if it was okay if I kiss your hand, see how you like it.” he explained after having calmed down. Raphael found the thought of Simon kissing his hand weird but he was curious about what it would feel like so he nodded and let Simon hold it up to his lips as he softly kissed the back of Raphael’s hand. Then he turned it over and kissed Raphael’s palm. It tickled. “You like it?” Simon asked and Raphael nodded. “Surprisingly, it was okay” he said.

The two vampires sat in silence. Simon holding Raphael’s hand in his, absentmindedly caressing it. Raphael watched the other one for a while before asking. “Are you sure you’re okay with it. Really?” Simon looked up at him and nodded. “I think I am. Like I said it’s confusing. It might take some time getting used to. I might have some questions later on and I hope it’s okay. But, I really do think I am okay with this. After all, I care about you and don’t want to pressure you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. So, yeah. I’m still all in” he finished and flashed Raphael a smile, but Raphael could see something behind it. It wasn’t entirely genuine. “What’s wrong?” he asked, worried. “I’m sorry how I reacted before” Simon said quietly. “It was wrong. I just didn’t understand the situation and I…” “It’s understandable. You were upset. I hadn’t told you what I should have. It was wrong of me as well” Raphael said. “Well, then I guess we both have things to work on to make this work” Simon said and Raphael nodded. “I guess we both do” he agreed.

After a while, Simon put his arm around Raphael and said vampire laid his head on Simon’s shoulder. He started thinking. They were good, they were good. This relationship needed some work, but it was work they were both willing to do. They would be okay. Raphael closed his eyes and relaxed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic, it means the world to me. 
> 
> Another part is coming up soon!
> 
> I really want to continue writing these two and about their qpr, so if anyone has something specific they want to read that involves these two in a qpr, please let me know.


End file.
